As I got older, this “unconditional love ladder” that never seemed to be tall enough, found it’s way into my romantic relationships and friendships. They were also dependent on my unconditional love to invalidate their own perceived unlovable inadequacies from when they were young. They were dependent on the image that my obedience painted of them to others. I was dependent on getting a crumb of their love, validation, and approval for my emotional survival. While their intentions were good and they did love me, these adults subconsciously engaged in a codependent relationship with me, the child. In my little mind, unconditionally loving them, obeying the rules, and staying in line seemed to be the only ladder available. This pedestaled them and left my five-year-old self alone at the bottom without a ladder. And the ones that put conditions around their love for me at an age where conditions were more damaging than educational… I did everything I could to please and appease. The people who genuinely and unconditionally loved me, I took for granted. It’s also something that I don’t believe in at all.Īs a kid, I struggled with love in general. Today, unconditional love is something that I fully believe in. Loving this way had come at the cost of my self-respect.
I was convinced that the more love I unconditionally gave, the better my chances were of finally having it in a romantic relationship and getting the Happily Ever After I deserved. When I was younger, my entire life was geared toward finding unconditional love.
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